Dear Soon To Be High School Grad, from the Soon to be College Grad

Oh what I wish I knew then.

I remember the overwhelming fear that existed months before my high school graduation. I remember the sleepless nights plagued by wondering what I would be doing after school. Where I would live, what job I would have, can I even afford it? What if I don’t get in? 

Initially, I was excited about graduating. Throughout high school I constantly felt like my skin was two sizes too small, my temper was always short – like an elastic band pulled too tight ready to snap in half. I was so frustrated all the time and often broke down in my sewing class. I threw myself into sports, where it was the only time I felt alive and relieved from the obnoxious chatter. I couldn’t afford college and I knew it. I graduated high school in 2011, I was accepted to LIM, WCSU, FIT and FIDM. I saw the letters and felt nothing, I was so confused about what it all meant and no one talked about the process. My friends were like hurricanes, whirling about with excitement and I just wanted to make it to the finish line in one piece.

I walked around in a daze with blinders on. I was afraid of failing, afraid of not going to college, afraid of asking for help. So there my accomplishments sat in a pile of trash, each letter read but I couldn't do anything about it. I brushed them off and ignored the “Congratulations” and read them as “We’re sorry”.  

I knew I couldn’t afford college, the scholarships I applied to didn’t pan out, loans weren’t an option because no cosigner, and I was just making enough to pay my car insurance and phone. I worked at a lot of restaurants and eventually a toy store where I wound up working full time. 

Looking back I was definitely overwhelmed but to this day, I only know one other person who had to put school on hold because of financial reasons. I'll do a follow up post on how to go to/pay for college later. 

That it doesn’t matter where you go, as long as you pursue what makes you excited. What gets you thinking and moving? I went to Housatonic Community College the next semester because I qualified for financial aid and got some classes out of the way. Marketing, drawing, public speaking and a variety of others. I transferred to a four year school, FIT, in 2013/2014. This was the second time applying and when I got in (again) I couldn’t have been happier. This time I was going no matter what it cost me. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices you’re not ready to make. Sometimes you lose more than you initially thought but you gain so much more.

Don’t worry about not knowing, you don’t have to have everything planned out. You can thrive and be self-sufficient and make mistakes. It’s all a learning process and you don’t have to be perfect. While away at school I changed a lot more than I anticipated. The student community was something like I had never seen before, I couldn’t relate, and I didn’t know how to be approachable and not stand offish.  At the end of the day you have to be you; be you in every way of the word. From the way you dress to how you speak. You can grow but don’t do so with the hope that if you change, you’ll be better liked. Don’t hang with people you don’t like. You don’t need to waste your time.

I wish I knew that I was capable.  I wish I knew that the potential I have is determined by my own desire, not anyone else. In high school I felt that college will determine who I will be but it doesn’t. You get to create your path and guess what – your path changes. CONSTANTLY. 

I’d set a goal and think, “yes, once I have this new job everything will be easier”

“when I get this internship I’ll be perfect”

“this class will teach me everything I don’t know”

“I need to go to every social event”

Once you actually get the things you want, they turn out to not make anything better. They might make you feel a slightly more prepared but often times it doesn’t change a thing.

I’m much better off now, though I’m still questioning the same things – where will I live? What job will I have? What am I going to do? Years later, the questions still exist though the situation has drastically changed.

You will always have struggles both personal and professional. I know at this point after many many years that I am way better off now than where I was back then. I had so many mental breaks downs cause I worked myself to the bone. I spread myself too thin still but I love where I’m at and am beyond excited about where I’m going.

The journey is the important part, not the destination. At the end of the day it’s your life and you can live it for everyone else or yourself. There’s a solution to everything even if it’s not the solution you wanted. You make it work, you hustle and you try. I gave up before starting so many things because I thought I wasn’t good enough, well fuck that. Little high school grad, you are amazing in every sense of the word. If you don’t know what you want to do – ok. The world won’t stop spinning because you can’t decide on if you want to be a lawyer or a teacher. You have time, you have the power to decide just as long as you try. You can switch paths and stop whenever you want.

My life isn’t perfect, I still have anxiety, I still procrastinate, I’m still running late and life still goes on. Failing a class is not the end of the world and it doesn’t make you a failure. Shit happens, you handle it, and move on to kick ass.